The following text may have been generated by Optical Character Recognition, with varying degrees of accuracy. Reader beware!

32 - The Oakville Beaver, Wednesday June 4, 2008 www.oakvillebeaver.com Mark Oldershaw Adam van Koeverden DEREK WOOLLAM / OAKVILLE BEAVER UTE FREISE / COURTESY CANOEKAYAK CANADA The Battle for Beijing: By Herb Garbutt OAKVILLE BEAVER STAFF Burloak paddlers state their case for inclusion in the Olympics of other people would not watch hockey. VERDICT: OK, maybe not all-out brawling but how about a joust using paddles at the mid-point of the race? Hey, it works for American Gladiators... Kayak 3, Canoe 3 Who has overcome the most to get to the Olympics? AVK: Definitely Mark has overcome some obstacles. Yeah, I haven't had an injury. I'm going to cut off my pinky right now and overcome it. Adam wanted to join the ranks of Mark Oldershaw and Silken Laumann so he inflicted a terrible injury on himself and managed to overcome it in time for the big race at the Olympics. MO: Yeah, that's why I do all those things, just to get a better story. It's easier than winning every World Cup race every year. Kayakers and canoeists deny there is any kind of rivalry between them. It's a myth they've tried so hard to perpetuate that even the name of the national association -- CanoeKayak Canada -- makes the two seem inseparable. When I warned the organization's director general that I was going to drive a wedge between the two, she dismissed me. "It can't be done," Anne Merklinger said. Oakville's Adam van Koeverden (kayak) and Burlington's Mark Oldershaw (canoe) have played along. They trade compliments and talk glowingly about one another. They train together at the Burloak Canoe Club and room together while competing overseas and pretend to be friends. But when I used my vast network of Olympic connections to discover the Beijing Games were way over budget and sports were about to be cut, suddenly things were not as cordial. Finding out that canoe or kayak was on its way out and they would have to state their case for their sport's inclusion in the Olympics, well, things got ugly. Using the International Olympic Committee's secret criteria for inclusion in the Games, van Koeverden and Oldershaw dropped the gloves to debate who was worthy of a trip to Beijing. Who's faster? AVK: I'm faster, because I'm in a kayak. MO: Adam's faster but he uses two blades and he's not twice as fast, so perhaps it puts me in the driver's seat. AVK: Mark gets to go up on his knees, higher from the water, better leverage, his paddle is way bigger. So there is something to be said for that. I do steer with a rudder, which causes a little bit of drag underneath the boat and he doesn't have a rudder. MO: His boat's lighter than mine so there's another advantage. AVK: Yeah, but you're heavier than me. AVK: That's one thing, thank you Mark. Gold's down today, though, so that's not worth as much. AVK: Yeah, but bronze is probably up there. The Canadian dollar is up too, so compared to an American gold medal, mine is worth just as much or more. What have I got? I don't know. According to all the lab tests I did at the University of McMaster kinesiology lab, I'm physiologically normal, so I can't profess that I'm a freak of nature by any means. AVK: It also means I've won more fights than he has. I'm not a fighter, though. MO: I'm used to fighting my brother, who's bigger and stronger than both of us. AVK: I fought Adam (Oldershaw) too, though. And I won't any more. He's chased me into that pillar and I have three stitches above my eye, there's seriously blood on it. VERDICT: For making the other side's case and not helping me foster bitterness and resentment, canoe loses... Kayak 2, Canoe 0 Burlington or Oakville? AVK: Oakville. We both know that. He comes here to train every day. MO: Only because I have to. I love Oakville, too, but no, Burlington's where it's at. More people. Bigger, better. AVK: I used to live in Burlington and it sucked. MO: Ohhh, put that in the (Burlington) Post. VERDICT: Given the fact he's too busy kayaking and has failed to build a time machine, not to mention, if an immobile pillar can take you out, your chances in the Octagon are not that good... Kayak 3, Canoe 1 DISCLAIMER: The author is not responsible for any injuries from fights, real or pretend, between athletes that deprive Olympians of medals and result in serious harm to the morale of a nation. VERDICT: Although Burlington does come first in Burloak's name, the club is in Oakville. So if you're leaving home... Kayak 3, Canoe 0 To capitalize on the popularity of ultimate fighting, they are going to decide who goes to Beijing by putting the two of you in a cage. Who wins? MO: I have the height and weight advantage. AVK: If it was 10 years ago, I'd kick his ass because he was five feet tall. And if it was three years ago, I'd kick his ass because he would only have one hand (Oldershaw had surgery to remove a tumour). MO: It would be a tough match. AVK: We like each other, at least I like you, so I wouldn't want to mess up his pretty face too much. MO: We used to fight over dumbbells. We'd both grab the end of a dumbbell, or anything, a piece of rope, or a metal bar and fight over it. And whoever let go, loses. AVK: It wasn't like one of us was way better than the other, surprisingly. But Mark's quite a bit stronger now. He was 18 then, only bench pressing like 315 or something pathetic. I think Brady (Reardon) would probably win. MO: He's a good wrestler. AVK: He did tap out on the beach in Florida. MO: And he is younger than us. AVK: For sure. See, I'm an older brother and Mark's a younger brother. MO: That means I've had it tougher my whole life, so I should probably... In order to make your sport relate more to the average fan on the couch, once you finish the race, you have to polish off a pitcher of beer and 30 wings. Who wins? MO: I think I'd take the wings but Adam might take the pitcher. AVK: I definitely drink more than Mark. Mark has a girlfriend and often stays home when we go to the bars. But Mark can eat more than me, probably. MO: I think with 30, I could win. AVK: If they're hot wings for sure, but if they're mild with barbecue sauce, I can eat 30 wings, that's not a problem. Mark can, too. MO: Speed comes into it, though. AVK: I'd eat the carrot sticks, Mark wouldn't eat the carrot sticks. MO: I love carrots. VERDICT: Talk's cheap. At last count, Adam still had 10 fingers and had not severed any appendages... Canoe 4, Kayak 3 The Olympics want to capitalize on the Beckham factor. Who's better looking? MO: Oh, Adam's a professional model. AVK: I thought it was about soccer and Mark's a way better soccer player. Thank you Mark, but I do have the experience in front of the camera, I don't mind saying. Mark has had a long-lasting relationship with a woman and I can't say that so that may say something about our appeal to the females. VERDICT: The Olympic motto is "Swifter, Higher, Stronger" so there's no place for barbecue sauce in the Olympics. They're going to be hotter... Kayak 3, Canoe 2 What could you add from your next favourite sport to make your sport more interesting? AVK: Hockey has the viewership, a little more than cross-country skiing. I just like skiing because it's a lot like kayaking, and I'm good at it. MO: You can add contact in (from hockey), possibly the fighting. AVK: We could just stop mid-race, like the wrestlers, take a step back. That's my least favourite part of hockey, the fact that you can just `wait, wait, wait, guys we're going to have a boxing match. No big deal, right?' I hate that part of hockey. I'd probably watch more hockey if that didn't happen, and a lot VERDICT: Adam, in being named one of Toronto's 30 most eligible bachelors by the National Post in 2006, was described as "a pretty-boy paddler...who would make a most excellent cast edition to the O.C." I prefer Dawson's Creek, but who am I argue?... Kayak 4, Canoe 4 The last word goes to the coach's (Scott Oldershaw's) decision. AVK: Hmmm, does he go with the most likely medal hope or does he go with his son? Yeah, for sure he's going to choose Mark. MO: Adam already won the Olympics. AVK: Yeah, that's true. VERDICT: The first thing I was taught at camp was to never stand up in a boat. So for setting a bad example for children everywhere by standing up in a canoe... Kayak 1, Canoe 0 Mark's father and grandfather competed at the Olympics so he has Olympic genes. What do you have, Adam? MO: An Olympic gold medal. VERDICT: For the record, Scott Oldershaw, having competed in both canoe and kayak, said he could not choose one sport over the other. A deadlock. Foiled in my attempt to launch The Great Canoe Kayak War. Anyone for rock, paper, scissors?